Rules for the Inquisition
by Capreola
Summary: For Inquisitor Trevelyan, the potential end of the world is a golden opportunity to have some fun. But others don't quite see things her way...


Author's Note: I know Skippy's List is an old meme, but it is a good meme and it deserves to live on.

* * *

For once, Inquisitor Trevelyan hadn't summoned the council of war. In order to not be late again, she'd had to interrupt an operation to move several strategically placed nugs into position.

She grumbled to herself, "This had better be good." She opened the door to find Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine. Leliana was glancing at the water clock in the corner, and Cullen was impatiently tapping his foot. Josephine scribbled something on her clipboard, muttered something about candle wax dripping on the sheets, then looked up. "Ah. Inquisitor. There is much we need to discuss."

The Inquisitor came in, leaned over the War Table, looked up, and said, "All right, all right. I'm here. What's this all about?"

Leliana interrupted, arms folded, "I hardly think this is necessary. Just because Cullen wishes us to act like professionals -"

"We _are_ professionals. It's not too much to ask," Cullen said.

Josephine cleared her throat. "People are starting to talk. They wonder if you even know what proper decorum is, and frankly, I am wondering the same as well."

"Oh, come on," the Inquisitor cut in. "I spent my life having to be a Proper Lady, and when I got the Anchor, I was about to be made a sodding templar. Can you blame me for wanting to cut loose at least a bit?"

"Nonetheless," Josephine said, "There are plenty of ways to sow your wild oats without jeopardizing our mission and your position." She flipped over a sheet of paper. "I have here a list of complaints, and I have composed a list of rules to address them."

1\. Mountains are not challenges to your honor. Neither are the laws of physics - that's for mages.

2\. Cullen will not roleplay "King Alistair and the Naughty Warden" in bed.

3\. Iron Bull will not reenact anything you've read in whatever smutty novel you picked up.

4\. Sera will not dye her hair blue, despite your suggestions that "it'd be hot."

5\. Stop saying that "no one expects the Antivan Inquisition."

6\. Stop jumping from the rookery into Solas's room.

7\. Stop jumping from the battlements. I don't know how you do it without turning yourself into a fine mist, but you're giving other folk ideas.

8\. Don't teach Leliana's ravens to steal people's smallclothes.

9\. Your proper title is "Inquisitor Trevelyan," not "Empress Grande Supremo" or "Her Majesty the Queen."

10\. The quartermaster is not "Sugar Daddy."

11\. Solas's spellcasting is not "that cool twirly thing he does with his staff."

12\. Stop insisting that you must "gather your party before venturing forth."

13\. You cannot "phone a friend" while you sit in judgment.

14\. You cannot sentence condemned prisoners to carry you in a litter.

15\. You also cannot accuse prisoners of crimes that took place before they were born.

16\. Not allowed to give orders to the "Sing-quisition." Even if "go f*** yourself" is in four-part harmony, it is still considered rude.

17\. You are to wear something besides that horrible beige outfit while off-duty!

18\. The Orlesians are not "cheese-eating surrender monkeys."

19\. Stop telling the templars that we keep "the good stuff" in the back.

20\. Not allowed to try to ride a dragon.

21\. Even if Iron Bull would approve.

22\. If Sera would approve of a certain action, you're to assume that you're not allowed to do it.

23\. Please stop dyeing everyone's armor bright pink.

24\. Antaam-saar does not provide a "distraction bonus", and you should stop making the entire party wear one.

25\. Stop leaving pictures of hawks around and then asking Cassandra to find them.

26\. You are not to suggest erotic uses for the Anchor.

27\. Or for the Jar of Bees.

28\. Or for Rashvine.

29\. Dagna will not make you a masterwork bat'leth.

30\. Not allowed to bring crayons and markers to the War Table.

31\. You cannot assign your dracolisk to complete a War Table mission.

32\. Please stop referring to Arl Teagan as the "Bannhammer."

33\. Maryden will not write songs about all your party members.

34\. Stop telling your field agents to "execute Order 66."

35\. You cannot insert new verses into the Chant of Light.

36\. Also, you probably shouldn't blaspheme, especially with phrases like "Andraste's white-speckled uvula."

37\. Varric does not appreciate your repeated attempts to steal Bianca.

38\. Or your repeated attempts to "modify" his manuscripts before he sends them to his editor.

39\. Stop calling us "minions," no matter how accurate that is.

40\. Not allowed to make yourself the Divine.

41\. Or the Empress of Orlais.

42\. Or the Queen of Ferelden.

43\. Or the Qunari Arishok.

44\. You also do not obtain any of these positions by killing the office holder.

45\. The Bull's Chargers are not the "Official Party-Crashers of the Inquisition."

46\. Dorian is also not "The Right Honorable Wingman of the Inquisition."

47\. "Overwhelming use of force" is _not_ the solution to every problem.

48\. You also do not gain experience by drinking the blood of your enemies. That's for Reavers.

49\. Stop encouraging Cullen to calibrate the trebuchets. He doesn't need the help.

50\. Stop prefacing your reports with "In accordance with the prophecy…"

51\. "Dank bud" is not a valid resource, and you cannot turn obtaining some into a War Table mission.

52\. Solas will not teach you Elvish swear words, no matter how many times you ask.

53\. Even though Iron Bull _will_ teach you Qunari swear words, you are not allowed to ask him.

54\. Varric doesn't know any Dwarven swear words, so please stop asking.

55\. Not allowed to borrow Cole's hat.

56\. You're also not allowed to have Cole or Sera near any visiting dignitaries.

57\. If you must keep pet fish, Josephine will not feed them for you.

58\. "Mr. Bimbo, the man who lives in my finger" cannot take responsibility for your post or for any of your actions.

59\. Stop referring to your steed as the "Heraldmobile."

60\. Not allowed to appeal to baser instincts when recruiting an agent for the Inquisition.

61\. When out in the Western Approach, please stop telling your party members how much you hate sand.

62\. Nugs are not entitled to a military funeral, even if they are "casualties of war."

63\. "Well, he's dead" is not an appropriate eulogy.

64\. Harritt will not name his weapon shop "Bloodbath and Beyond".

65\. Not allowed to have a beanbag chair for your throne.

66\. Even if you do have "the touch" and "the power," you are not to sing that every time you close a Fade Rift.

67\. Stop asking the Revered Mother to have you canonized.

68\. Stop referring to Vivienne as the White Witch.

69\. Stop asking Blackwall if his "Warden senses are tingling."

70\. "Can I get you a ladder? So you can get off my back?" is not an appropriate response to the Requisition Officer.

71\. Scout Harding will not field your requests to find whatever a 'pizza' is.

"And I believe that's everything…for now." Josephine shot the Inquisitor a dark look that made Cullen take a step back.

The Inquisitor said, "Andraste's ass, so you can't take a few jokes? Fine. Have it your way. Dismissed." She turned on her heel and walked out.

As the door closed behind her, she heard a yelp that sounded like Cullen's, then Leliana's laughter, and then Josephine's muffled voice: "Who in the blazes put that nug there?"

The Inquisitor smiled to herself and went on her way.


End file.
